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Статистика
-15 за неделю
Звездно-полосатые анекдоты N248
| Информационный Канал Subscribe.Ru |
Here are some fine jokes:
star-spangled@narod.ru
SUSPICIOUS MINDS
I had a very busy day yesterday, too busy for a routine doctor's appointment. I just could not spare the two hours it takes to see the doctor for five minutes. So I called in to move the appointment to next week. Not feeling like explaining everything, I just told them I couldn't see the doc because I was sick.
If this is Friday, why am I still doing Thursday's work? It's been a busy week, and I have to get back to it, though I would rather spend more time with you folks. Have a great weekend!
See y'all!
--Artie
(Artie is Editor-In-Chief, webmaster and janitor at http://star-spangled.narod.ru/
E-mail him at: star-spangled@narod.ru)
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!" Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long had that lazy bum been working here?" "He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
> What is the best voice mail message you can get from work? "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
> Math Test: "What portion of a foot is six inches?" Student: "The toes?"
You're gonna love this one.
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows
to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out
on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver
of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange
look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"
1. "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
"5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.
"6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
14. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
15. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
16. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
"17. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND...
12. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
13. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
AND NOW YOUR'E LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends, you know you want to.
*******
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Trouble understanding a word? Try
this...
ABBYY Lingvo 9.0 бОЗМП-ТХУУЛЙК ЬМЕЛФТПООЩК УМПЧБТШ
уПДЕТЦЙФ ПЛПМП 1 400 000 УМПЧБТОЩИ УФБФЕК Ч 22 УМПЧБТСИ: ПВЭЕК, ТБЪЗПЧПТОПК Й ФЕНБФЙЮЕУЛПК МЕЛУЙЛЙ. чЛМАЮБЕФ УТЕДУФЧБ ДМС РПМОПФЕЛУФПЧПЗП РПЙУЛБ, ЙЪХЮЕОЙС СЪЩЛБ Й УПЪДБОЙС РПМШЪПЧБФЕМШУЛЙИ УМПЧБТЕК.
Quotes about stuff
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that
I never knew my real ladder."
Craig Charles
Just Wondering
What do chickens think we taste like?
чУС ФТЙМПЗЙС Ч ПДОПК ЛОЙЗЕ: "опюопк дпъпт", "доечопк дпъпт", "ухнетеюощк дпъпт".
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
October 15
MATA HARI EXECUTED (1917):
Mata Hari, the archetype of the seductive female spy, is executed for espionage by a French firing squad at Vincennes outside of Paris.
She first came to Paris in 1905 and found fame as a performer of exotic Asian-inspired dances. She soon began touring all over Europe, telling the story of how she was born in a sacred Indian temple and taught ancient dances by a priestess who gave her the name Mata Hari, meaning "eye of the day" in Malay. In reality, Mata Hari was born in a small town in northern Holland in 1876, and her real name was Margaretha Geertruida Zelle. She acquired her superficial knowledge of Indian and Javanese dances when she lived for several years in Malaysia with her former husband, who was a Scot in the Dutch colonial army. Regardless of her authenticity, she packed dance halls and opera houses from Russia to France, mostly because her show consisted of her slowly stripping nude.
She became a famous courtesan, and with the outbreak of World War I her catalog of lovers began to include high-ranking military officers of various nationalities. In February 1917, French authorities arrested her for espionage and imprisoned her at St. Lazare Prison in Paris. In a military trial conducted in July, she was accused of revealing details of the Allies' new weapon, the tank, resulting in the deaths of thousands of soldiers. She was convicted and sentenced to death, and on October 15 she refused a blindfold and was shot to death by a firing squad at Vincennes.
There is some evidence that Mata Hari acted as a German spy, and for a time as a double agent for the French, but the Germans had written her off as an ineffective agent whose pillow talk had produced little intelligence of value. Her military trial was riddled with bias and circumstantial evidence, and it is probable that French authorities trumped her up as "the greatest woman spy of the century" as a distraction for the huge losses the French army was suffering on the western front. Her only real crimes may have been an elaborate stage fallacy and a weakness for men in uniform.
Trouble understanding a word? Try this...
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