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Автор
Игорь Игоревич Хохлов

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Звездно-полосатые анекдоты N 152


Hi!!! What have you been up to lately?

Here are some fine jokes:

send e-mail
star-spangled@narod.ru
SUSPICIOUS MINDS

I bet you were hoping I was dead, weren't you? Well, I'm not!

And here's a big welcome all our new subscribers. We hope you like what we do. If so, please spread the word to your friends so they can subscribe too.

It occurred to me recently that everybody thinks they can write a novel, but no one thinks they can compose a symphony. Here's my quandary: that statement looks profound, but for the life of me, I can't do anything with it. Who thinks like that? Welcome to my nightmare.

See y'all!
--Artie

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
*******
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "What?" The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'" "I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
*******
> You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

> Science tries to tell people, in a clear fashion, something that no one ever knew before. Poetry is the exact opposite.

> Too many visiting relatives? Just borrow money from the rich ones and loan it to the poor ones. None of them will ever come back.

*******
The sales manager at a local company was always complaining about something. The people who worked for him were a regular target of his displeasure.
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up a sandwich on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back." Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!" "See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
*******
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something tugging at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
*******
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

*******
A University of Alabama student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting
to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Alabama student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
*******
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

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Quotes about stuff


"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
Yogi Berra
 


Just Wondering


How can something be "new and improved?" If it's new -- what is it improving on?


THIS DAY IN HISTORY

May 24
JOSEPH BRODSKY IS BORN (1940):

Today is the birthday of poet Joseph Brodsky, born this day in St. Petersburg, Russia. His poetry treats such universal topics as life, death, and the meaning of existence.

Brodsky's early poetry won critical acclaim, but the Soviet government considered him a loafer and sentenced him to five years of hard labor for "social parasitism." His sentence was commuted when prominent literary figures protested. In 1972, Brodsky moved to the U.S. as an exile. He lectured at several universities while continuing to write poetry. His early works, including Verses and Poems (1965) and A Halt in the Waste Land (1970), were translated in 1973. In 1986, he published History of the Twentieth Century and won the Nobel Prize for Literature the following year. He was poet laureate of the U.S. from 1991 to 1992.

Brodsky died on January 28, 1996.

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Take care y'all!!!
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