Nerd Season

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

[ə trʌk ˈdrаɪvə ˈhɔːlɪŋ ə ˈtræktə ˈtreɪlə ləʊd ɒv kəmˈpjuːtəz stɒps fər ə bɪə. æz hiː əˈprəʊʧɪz ðə bɑː hiː siːz ə bɪg sаɪn ɒn ðə dɔː ðæt ˈsez kəmˈpjuːtə nɜ:dz nɒt əˈlаʊd - ˈentə æt jə əʊn rɪsk]

He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

[hiː ˈentəz ənd sɪts dаʊn. ðə ˈbɑːˌtendə kʌmz ˈəʊvə tə hɪm snɪfs ənd ˈsez ðæt hiː smelz kаɪnd ɒv ˈnɜ:di. hiː ðen ɑːsks hɪm wɒt hiː dʌz fər ə ˈlɪvɪŋ. ðə trʌk ˈdrаɪvə ɪksˈpleɪnz tə hɪm ðæt hiː drаɪvz ə trʌk ənd ðə smel ɪz ʤʌst frɒm ðə kəmˈpjuːtəz hiː ɪz ˈhɔːlɪŋ. ðə ˈbɑːˌtendə sɜːvz hɪm ə bɪə ənd ˈsez ˌəʊˈkeɪ trʌk ˈdrаɪvəz ɑːnt nɜ:dz]

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

[æz hiː ɪz ˈsɪpɪŋ hɪz bɪə ə ˈskɪnɪ gаɪ wɔːks ɪn ˈweərɪŋ ə peə ɒv ˈglɑːsɪz wɪð teɪp əˈrаʊnd ðə ˈmɪdl ə ˈpɒkɪt prəˈtektə wɪð twelv kаɪndz ɒv penz ənd ˈpenslz ənd ə belt ðæt ɪz æt liːst ə fʊt tuː lɒŋ. ðə ˈbɑːˌtendə wɪˈðаʊt ˈseɪɪŋ ə wɜːd pʊlz аʊt ə ˈʃɒtgʌn ənd bləʊz ðə gаɪ əˈweɪ]

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway.

[ðə trʌk ˈdrаɪvə ɑːsks hɪm wаɪ hiː dɪd ðæt. ðə ˈbɑːˌtendə rɪˈplаɪd dəʊnt ˈwʌrɪ. ðə kəmˈpjuːtə nɜ:dz ər ɪn ˈsiːzn bɪˈkɒz ðeɪ ə ˌəʊvəˈpɒpjʊleɪtɪŋ ˈsɪlɪkən ˈvælɪ. jʊ dəʊnt ˈiːvən niːd ə ˈlаɪsəns. səʊ ðə trʌk ˈdrаɪvə ˈfɪnɪʃɪz hɪz bɪə gets bæk ɪn hɪz trʌk ənd hedz fə ðə ˈfriːweɪ]

Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

[ˈsʌdnlɪ hiː vɪəz tʊ əˈvɔɪd ən ˈæksɪdənt ənd ðə ləʊd ʃɪfts. ðə bæk dɔː breɪks ˈəʊpən ənd kəmˈpjuːtəz spɪl аʊt ɔːl ˈəʊvə ðə rəʊd. hiː ʤʌmps аʊt ənd siːz ə krаʊd ɔːlˈredɪ ˈfɔːmɪŋ ˈsnæʧɪŋ ʌp ɔːl ɒv ðə kəmˈpjuːtəz. ðə ˈskævɪnʤəz ə kəmˈprаɪzd ɒv ˌenʤɪˈnɪəz əˈkаʊntənts ənd ˈprəʊgræməz - kəmˈpjuːtə giːks. iːʧ ɒv ðəm ˈweərɪŋ ðə ˈnɜ:dɪɪst kləʊðz hiː hæz ˈevə siːn hiː kɑːnt let ðəm stiːl hɪz həʊl ləʊd]

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

[səʊ rɪˈmembəɪŋ wɒt ˈhæpənd ɪn ðə bɑː hiː pʊlz аʊt hɪz gʌn ənd stɑːts ˈblɑːstɪŋ əˈweɪ ˈkɪlɪŋ ˈsevrəl ɒv ðəm ˈɪnstəntlɪ. ə ˈhаɪweɪ pəˈtrəʊl ˈɒfɪsə kʌmz ˈzuːmɪŋ ʌp ənd ʤʌmps аʊt ɒv ðə kɑː ˈskriːmɪŋ æt hɪm tə stɒp]

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

[ðə trʌk ˈdrаɪvə sed wɒts rɒŋ? аɪ θɔːt kəmˈpjuːtə nɜ:dz wɜː ɪn ˈsiːzn. wel ʃʊə ˈsez ðə pəˈtrəʊlmæn bʌt jʊ kɑːnt beɪt əm]

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Алексей Винидиктов
vinidiktov.ru